More Good Jokes

artmark · 09-13-2006, 01:55 AM

I hope this is ok to stay in.

Shane Warne's team mates were perplexed one morning to see Shane walk
into the change rooms with a pair of women's panties on his arm. Somewhat used to Shane's tendencies, they let it go and went about getting ready.
The day wore on; Shane bowled a few overs and the batsman came and went with a puzzled expression on their faces but no one dared ask about the panties.
Finally, Ricky Ponting walked up to Shane between overs and gently
whispered to him.
"Er Shane," he said, "We've come to expect many
unusual things from you, but we're a bit worried that you seem to be
wearing a pair of women's panties on your arm. Please tell me this
doesn't mean more trouble."
"Oh no," Shane grinned. "It's a Patch. I'm trying to quit."

Goody hey !

artmark · 09-13-2006, 02:11 AM

More Good Jokes 2
THIS IS FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE BASHING JOKES!
> >
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
> >
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
> >
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
> >
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
> >
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
> >
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
> >
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
> >
I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
> >
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don't like to interrupt her.
> >
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
> >
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It is called Wedding Cake.
> >
Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, and Suffering.
> >
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
> >
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
> >
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
> >
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
> >
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
> >
A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
> >
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

artmark · 09-13-2006, 02:24 AM

More good jokes 3

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple
bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a
difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of
the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball
with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's " rectom."
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

"I don't remember much after that..

artmark · 09-13-2006, 02:27 AM

More Good Jokes 4

An Australian Love Poem
(Who said Australian's weren't romantic?)

Of course I love ya darling you’re a bloody top notch bird;
And when I say you're gorgeous I mean every single word.
So ya bum is on the big side; I don't mind a bit of flab;
It means that when I'm ready; there’s something there to grab;
So your Belly isn't flat no more; I tell ya I don't care;
So long as when I cuddle ya; I can get my arms round there,
No sheila who is your age Has nice round perky breasts;
They just gave in to gravity, But I know ya did ya best; I'm tellin ya the truth now I never tell ya lies; I think its very sexy; That you've got dimples on ya thighs; I swear on me nanna's grave now; The moment that we met I thought u was as good as I Was ever gonna get; No matter wot u look Like, I’ll always love ya dear; now shut up while the footy's on and fetch another beer!!

artmark · 09-13-2006, 02:33 AM

More Good Jokes 5

I'D LOVE TO BE EIGHT AGAIN

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

"I'd love to be eight again" she replied

On the morning of her birthday he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops and then took her off to the local theme park. What a Day!

He put her on every ride in the park:

* The Death Slide

* The Wall of Fear

* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down Right away they journeyed to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milk shake .

Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms .

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted . He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked "Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed . "I meant my dress size, you IDIOT!!!!

The moral of this story : Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.

Jimmy · 09-15-2006, 03:31 AM

Hi Guys,

Nice jokes you got there. Cheers

Regards,
Jimmy.

Spirit · 09-15-2006, 05:40 AM

sweet jokes art

artmark · 10-04-2006, 01:51 PM

Yeh

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money, Mike replies. There's a diagnostic computer down at Woolworth's. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot quicker than a doctor."

So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Woollies. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Woollies.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Woollies, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints out the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab

4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer (1st floor)

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Woollies.

jumpenjuhosaphat · 10-04-2006, 06:32 PM

Those are great jokes. I never new Austrailians were so sensitive....

seouser · 10-06-2006, 10:16 PM

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

Sorry, this was a bad one.. but made me laugh.

Jimmy · 10-07-2006, 11:00 AM

Hi art,

This one, "Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo" - made me laugh. :-) Ni Jokes there.

Regards,
Jimmy.

jenny · 10-08-2006, 05:55 PM

Great Jokes ! Definitely ha...ha...! Enjoy !!!

09-13-2006, 01:55 AM	#1
artmark Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: NSW Australia Posts: 142	More Good Jokes I hope this is ok to stay in. Shane Warne's team mates were perplexed one morning to see Shane walk into the change rooms with a pair of women's panties on his arm. Somewhat used to Shane's tendencies, they let it go and went about getting ready. The day wore on; Shane bowled a few overs and the batsman came and went with a puzzled expression on their faces but no one dared ask about the panties. Finally, Ricky Ponting walked up to Shane between overs and gently whispered to him. "Er Shane," he said, "We've come to expect many unusual things from you, but we're a bit worried that you seem to be wearing a pair of women's panties on your arm. Please tell me this doesn't mean more trouble." "Oh no," Shane grinned. "It's a Patch. I'm trying to quit." Goody hey ! __________________ ArtMarkDesigns ...... ArtMarkArtWorks Concrete pumpers world Living Life with Cancer

09-13-2006, 02:11 AM	#2
artmark Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: NSW Australia Posts: 142	Re: More Good Jokes 2 More Good Jokes 2 THIS IS FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE BASHING JOKES! > > How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. > > Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. > > Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. > > How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. > > Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. > > If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. > > What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told. > > I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. > > I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her. > > What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced. > > Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It is called Wedding Cake. > > Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, and Suffering. > > Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!" > > In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. > > Why do men die before their wives? They want to. > > A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower." > > Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in every country, son." > > A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." > > The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. __________________ ArtMarkDesigns ...... ArtMarkArtWorks Concrete pumpers world Living Life with Cancer

09-13-2006, 02:24 AM	#3
artmark Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: NSW Australia Posts: 142	Re: More Good Jokes More good jokes 3 A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?" "Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end." "I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's " rectom." Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!" "I don't remember much after that.. __________________ ArtMarkDesigns ...... ArtMarkArtWorks Concrete pumpers world Living Life with Cancer

09-13-2006, 02:27 AM	#4
artmark Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: NSW Australia Posts: 142	Re: More Good Jokes More Good Jokes 4 An Australian Love Poem (Who said Australian's weren't romantic?) Of course I love ya darling you’re a bloody top notch bird; And when I say you're gorgeous I mean every single word. So ya bum is on the big side; I don't mind a bit of flab; It means that when I'm ready; there’s something there to grab; So your Belly isn't flat no more; I tell ya I don't care; So long as when I cuddle ya; I can get my arms round there, No sheila who is your age Has nice round perky breasts; They just gave in to gravity, But I know ya did ya best; I'm tellin ya the truth now I never tell ya lies; I think its very sexy; That you've got dimples on ya thighs; I swear on me nanna's grave now; The moment that we met I thought u was as good as I Was ever gonna get; No matter wot u look Like, I’ll always love ya dear; now shut up while the footy's on and fetch another beer!! __________________ ArtMarkDesigns ...... ArtMarkArtWorks Concrete pumpers world Living Life with Cancer

09-13-2006, 02:33 AM	#5
artmark Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: NSW Australia Posts: 142	Re: More Good Jokes More Good Jokes 5 I'D LOVE TO BE EIGHT AGAIN A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be eight again" she replied On the morning of her birthday he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops and then took her off to the local theme park. What a Day! He put her on every ride in the park: * The Death Slide * The Wall of Fear * The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down Right away they journeyed to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milk shake . Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms . What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted . He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked "Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed . "I meant my dress size, you IDIOT!!!! The moral of this story : Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong. __________________ ArtMarkDesigns ...... ArtMarkArtWorks Concrete pumpers world Living Life with Cancer

09-15-2006, 03:31 AM	#6
Jimmy Regular Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 178	Re: More Good Jokes Hi Guys, Nice jokes you got there. Cheers Regards, Jimmy.

09-15-2006, 05:40 AM	#7
Spirit Regular Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 126	Re: More Good Jokes sweet jokes art __________________ Peace Everyone! http://spiritshome.com Please Visit My New Site.

10-04-2006, 01:51 PM	#8
artmark Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: NSW Australia Posts: 142	Re: More Good Jokes Yeh One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money, Mike replies. There's a diagnostic computer down at Woolworth's. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot quicker than a doctor." So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Woollies. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Woollies. That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Woollies, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints out the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener (Aisle 9) 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo (Aisle 7) 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab 4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer (1st floor) 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. Thank you for shopping at Woollies. __________________ ArtMarkDesigns ...... ArtMarkArtWorks Concrete pumpers world Living Life with Cancer

10-04-2006, 06:32 PM	#9
jumpenjuhosaphat Forum Admin Contributor Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Denver Posts: 4,459	Re: More Good Jokes Those are great jokes. I never new Austrailians were so sensitive.... __________________ Storage Sheds Lost Forum

10-06-2006, 10:16 PM	#10
seouser Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 42	Re: More Good Jokes Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa. Sorry, this was a bad one.. but made me laugh. __________________ Ink Cartridges HP Toner Cartridge

10-07-2006, 11:00 AM	#11
Jimmy Regular Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 178	Re: More Good Jokes Hi art, This one, "Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo" - made me laugh. :-) Ni Jokes there. Regards, Jimmy.

10-08-2006, 05:55 PM	#12
jenny Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 117	Re: More Good Jokes Great Jokes ! Definitely ha...ha...! Enjoy !!! __________________ Free PSP Games Download Top eBooks, Software and Information Downloads

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